Liberation  
 
Feminists are people who believe women are better than men, because they are equally intelligent and equally capable, but much more modest and less demanding.  
Once upon a time, a group of feminists went to the Central Park of New York for a demonstration. They were shouting: "We are free; we are free."  
A group of (male) stockbrokers from Wall Street were taking their lunchbreak in the Park, and said to each other in worried tones: "The market must be falling very badly." An elderly stockbroker went over to the feminists and advised them: "No matter how bad the market is, do not panic. Never buy at the top; never sell at the bottom."  
To avoid similar misunderstandings in the future, the feminists decided to use the word "liberated" instead of "free". So they called their organization Women's Liberation Army.  
Unfortunately, an organization in China called the People's Liberation Army, which was predominantly male, objected to the infringement on their trademark. They said that "people" include "women". The feminists however argued otherwise. "People" include also "men", which are bad, while "women" only include "women", which are good. Hence, "women" is better than "people", and their claim should take precedence.  
To assert their claims, the feminists raised a Statue of Liberation in Tian An Men Square, a health centre in the heart of Peking famous for its Tai Ji exhibitions. The People's Liberation Army then sent in tanks, which were made of steel. As the Statue of Liberation was made of paper mache (molded wet tissue paper), it disintegrated upon contact with tanks.  
Since then there has been no Statue of Liberation in Peking. However, the example inspired feminists everywhere. Similar statues have now been found in Hong Kong, a rocky island off the south coast of China famous for its dogs and dog-eating monsters, and Washington, DC, an American city well known for its white houses and black population.

Deng Xiao Ping's Conversation in Chinese and English  
 
Deng Xiao Ping was the world's leading expert on rodent extermination. As we know, rats steal our food, destroy our furniture and buildings, and spread the plague. This is why good rat exterminators are benefactors of mankind, and rat extermination is a big business.  
There are different schools of thought in the field. Deng Xiao Ping believed that a cat of any colour is good for rat extermination, but his great rival, Mao Ze Dong, believed in only using the right coloured cat. This controversy was very harmful to the cause of rodent extermination; it delayed progress for two generations. In addition, Deng Xiao Ping had to contend with millions of Cantonese who like to eat cats, whether black or white, making them unavailable for rodent extermination, and to breed rats for eating, instead of completely exterminating them. The road to success is indeed a hard one.  
In USA there is another important figure in the business, Bill Clinton, who lives in a white house with a white cat called Socks. Once he came to visit China. At the banquet, Clinton made a complimentary remark about Deng's beautiful wife and Deng replied "Na Li; Na Li". The translator unfortunately misunderstood and told Clinton "he asked 'where? where?'". Clinton then said "Oh everything about her is beautiful", to which Deng replied modestly "Bu Jian De; Bu Jian De". The unfortunate translator again misunderstood and told Clinton "he said 'cannot see; cannot see'". A puzzled Clinton then said "What? He cannot see? but I can see", and the translator told Deng "he says 'What you cannot see, he can see'" which made Deng furious. That set back China-US cooperation in rat extermination and cat breeding for many years. It also explains why Clinton has such a poor reputation concerning women.  
Later Deng decided to visit USA, and sought advice on American life. He was told Asian culture is very popular there; like, even little kids like to play the sitar, and get their parents to give them baby sitars. He also found out that Texas has jack rabbits, and lumber jacks who hate rabbits use a special gun to shoot them. This is called the jack uzi. He was told what personal information, like name, age, marital status, he has to give to immigration officials.  
At the airport, the immigration officer wanted to verify his intention to be a genuine tourist, and asked "where are you going in USA?". Deng, thinking that the officer asked for his name, replied "Wo Xing Deng". "What are you doing in Washington?" Deng Xiao Ping thought the officer wanted the rest of the name, and so replied "Xiao Ping". "Oh shopping; how are you going there?" Deng Xiao Ping thought he must want the age, and said "Ba Shi". "After going shopping by bus, what do you plan to do?" Deng then gave his marital status "You Lao Puo". "Oh you are going to Europe after shopping in Washington; good you can enter.."  
The immigration officer, responsible and consciencious he might be, never appreciated that Deng's real mission was to promote rodent extermination all over the world. What does a great man like Deng Xiao Ping care about shopping, even in a nice city like Washington? Deng passed away in February 1997, but his ideas live on. Today we all believe that rats must be exterminated, and black or white cats are equally good for this purpose. Even Americans agree that Deng Xiao Ping is one of the most important historical figures of this century.

Who?

Hu Jintao visited Bush at his ranch, and also had a lot of problem getting the Americans to recognize his name, like  
 
   Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.  
   George: That's what I want to know.  
   Condi: That's what I'm telling you.  
   George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new  
   leader of China?  
   Condi: Yes.  
   George: I mean the fellow's name.  
   Condi: Hu.  
   George: The guy in China.  
   Condi: Hu.  
   George: The new leader of China.  
   Condi: Hu.  
   George: The Chinaman!  
   Condi: Hu is leading China.  
   George: Now whaddya' asking me for?  
   Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.  
   George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?  
   Condi: That's the man's name.  
   George: That's who's name?  
   Condi: Yes.  
 
So after he returned, he told his important advisors, Du Fu the poet, Han Yu the essayist, and Confucius the political scientist, to print English namecards with versions of their names that Americans would find easy to recognize: "I am afraid Du Fu sounds like bean curd to foreigners, Han Yu sounds like Hang You, and Confucius is an honorific title for others to use to call you, but not for you to call yourself - Confusing, right?"  
After a long discussion, Du Fu adopted the English name Jimmy Du, derived from Du Zimei, a literary alias he regularly used; Han Yu adopted Charlie Han, from Han Changli, an alias derived from his residence; Confucius adopted Johnny Kong, from his literary alias Kong Zhongni. Jimmy, Charlie and Johnny went to visit George's ranch, and Sino-American relations improved greatly since then. It shows the importance of namecalling.  
You dont agree? Hu are you?

Conversation with An Intelligent Communist

Recently we commemorated the 150 year anniversary of the publication of "Communication Monitor" by Marx and Spencer. To celebrate this event, we succeeded in getting an interview with Mr Groucho Marx:  
 
We: Mr Marx, 150 years after Communication Monitor, do you see a future for communism?  
Marx: Of course; I see the word Monitor on the front pages of newspapers every day lately.  
We: Really? but... look: it says Monica not Monitor.  
Marx: Really? my eyes are not as good as they were 150 years ago...  
We: What was your reaction when the Berlin Wall collapsed?  
Marx: All barriers to communication must be removed. But you see Germans still lead the world in engineering: where else would you have walls that stand for 30 years? You know in Singapore, they tear down condos after less than 10 years with these enblock sales...  
We: What was the meaning of your slogan "Protocols of the World, Unify!"?  
Marx: We were addressing the historical problem of the Tower of Babel. The Tower could not be completed because of the lack of a standard language among the construction crews.  
We: It is one thing to have an idea; was there any action to follow through?  
Marx: Oh yes. It was taken up by Bill Gates of Microsoft, Bill Joy of Sun Microsystems, and Bill Clinton of Lewinsky Enterprises, who are working towards an object-oriented shared middleware system linking together the financial organizations of the world, to prevent the recurrence of the Asian economic crisis, and sex scandals involving presidents and finance ministers.  
We: Looking back on your career, do you feel you made the world a better place?  
Marx: Certainly, but the rest of the world is only starting to acknowledge it; last week I was invited to join a club for the first time in my life.  
We: but I thought you disapprove of clubs.  
Marx: That's right; no club that wants me to be a member could be any good.  
We: what are your plans for retirement?  
Marx: I need to add to my Capital; just a few days ago, Spencer asked me about opening a department store with him. You know I got some name recognition and advertising value... We plan to have branches in Russia and China. There is this guy Stalin who wants to expand our operation to East Europe.  
We: so you are looking forward to the future.  
Marx: Indeed I am; a belief in the inevitability of history - that is what scientific socialism is all about...  
We: thank you Mr Marx.  
Marx: nice talking to you.

Conversation With a Living Buddha  
 
In the interest of press balance, after our interview with the atheist Marx, we talked to one of the well known religious leaders of our time, Mr Li of Fa Lun Gong.  
 
We: let's start with your main thesis, that we can improve our life by breathing exercises.  
He: that's obvious; if you stop breathing, you die; if you can breath forever, you live forever; bad breathing gives bad life; good breathing good life.  
We: is that why breathing can save us from the end of the world?  
He: sure; if the world ends, we all stop breathing; but if breathing continues, then the world has not ended.  
We: since the world will end, do you plan to give away all your money?  
He: no, but people have been giving money to me.  
We: why would a living buddha need money?  
He: you can promote many good causes with money.  
We: such as?  
He: I have started Wan Lo Gong, to help beautiful women of the world find husbands; we guarantee success.  
We: now that's impressive; can I join?  
He: sorry; members must be below 29 years in age, height between 5'2" and 5'6", and pass a good looks and nice personality test; I dont think you qualify...  
We: I also heard about Shou Xing Gong; is that another one of your societies?  
He: oh yes; join and you'll live forever.  
We: what do members have to do to achieve this, besides breathing forever?  
He: eat forever; we have different branches like Tom Yum Gong, Mi Tian Gong and Mo Yum Gong...  
We: but Mi Tian Gong? that means in Mandarin... (throws up on the Living Buddha, which brings the interview to an end) 

Jurassic Times  
 
Once upon a time, the earth was full of reptiles called dinosaurs. They came in all shapes and sizes, and could walk, crawl, swim and fly, but then became extinct.  
An example of the great change, the Tyranosaurus was a giant dinosaur, with a shape like a big lizard. It ate other dinosaurs. Unfortunately, as the dinosaurs disappeared from the earth, tyranosauruses ran out of food, and was forced to downsize. Its descendents, the lizards, live by eating insects.  
There are many theories about how dinosaurs went extinct. Some said that it was because dinosaurs had very small brains, about the size of wallnuts, and could not cope with complex new conditions. However, since wallnuts are already bigger than the Pentium CPUs, which are doing quite well, it must have been more than just a question of hardware size; there was some kind of programming problem as well. The extinction of dinosaurs teaches us the importance of good software engineering.  
Another theory attributes the disappearance of dinosaurs to cold weather: a giant meteor was believed to have hit the Yucatan region of Mexico and raised a huge dustcloud, preventing sunlight from reaching the earth and causing plants and animals to die from the climate change. I recall someone telling me of seeing headlines in the Jurassic Times: "Coughing Brontosaurus Catching Bronchitis", but I rather doubt newspapers had reports from that far back. I think the Straits Times only has a history of about 100 years.  
Millions of years after their extinction, the dinosaurs continue to exercise a hold on our imagination. Cartoons would frequently have dinosaurs as characters and my wife would love to have a dinosaur for a pet. However, as all animals facing extinction become protected specis, you need a license to keep them as pets. This sounded rather troublesome; so we decided to have children instead. Afterwards, we had second thoughts: perhaps dinosaurs would have required less work after all.  
So if you see a second hand dinosaur for sale somewhere, do let us know. We shall be interested.  
 
Mummies  
 
Mummies are preserved dead bodies. But unlike ham and bacon, which are preserved parts of dead pigs, mummies are not meant to be eaten. In fact, they are sacred and should be treated with respect. Some people even believe that mummies have divine power. Only the most important Egyptians got preserved when their spirits passed to the netherworld, hoping that they could return and resume life one day with their old bodies - ancient Egyptians believed in recycling.  
Mummies are buried in pyramids with jewelry and other expensive objects, including gold coffins which are unfortunately cold, hard and not very comfortable to lie in. No wonder the mummies would prefer to return to life and come out of the pyramids. Then they can lie on much softer beds of roses and feather.  
To produce a mummy, you have to soak the body in preservative chemicals and bandage it all over with long reams of cloth. This makes it difficult to move or talk, and mummies are known to keep mum. I guess that is why they are called mummies. In some cartoons like Tintin, mummies manage to run at high speed and chase frightened people all over the place, but in the end the people always win the race. I think it is because the flesh and bones of the mummies tend to be old, dry and hard, making long distance running impractical. It is hard to teach old mummies new tricks.  
Every year in May, there is a mummy day on which you are supposed to give presents to your mummy and wish her happiness. Be very careful however when you kiss your mummy; you can catch Egyptian flu from her - some viruses can survive for many centuries with numerous mutations that make them resistent to drugs. Keep a respectful distance and you can have an excellent relation with your mummy.  
 
The True Word  
 
Christians are people who believe in the Bible, a best selling book consisting of the Old Testament, written by ancient Jewish authors, and the New Testament, written by more modern non-Jews.  
Non-Christians do not believe in the Bible. They prefer the Guinness Book of Records.  
The Bible records the world's first visit to the medical clinic. When the Hebrews, who normally lived in Egypt, were taken on a group tour to the Sinai Peninsular, their leader Moses went up a mountain, and came down with two tablets.  
But the first medical treatment was shown even earlier, when Adam's rib was removed to clone a second human specimen. Something went wrong however and a woman was created instead. Genetic engineering, like cooking and marriage, is indeed a risky science. One never knows how it will turn out.  
The Bible also records the first advice on dieting and weight reduction: "He who is without sin, will cast off the first stone." (A stone is an English weight measure, equivalent to approximately 6.4 kilograms.)  
Even Japanese automobiles are mentioned for the first time in the Bible, which said that "when the Apostles were in accord", they went somewhere together. Since there were 11 of them (excluding Judas, who ate some unusual bread at the last dinner), it was obviously a very special Accord made for the occasion by Honda and donated to the new orgainzation. A normal Accord only seats 5 caucasians, though it can take 8 asians.  
There is no doubt that for Christians all over the world, the Bible is the True Word.  
 
Cannibals and Missionaries  
 
Cannibals are people who eat human flesh; why? because they are hungry.  
Missionaries have been trying to get cannibals to stop eating human flesh for centuries - human flesh is bad for the soul, even if it might be good for the stomach. Contact between them produces the famous cannibals and missionaries problem, in which you row them back and forth in a boat without allowing cannibals to outnumber missionaries. However, cannibals are not very good at counting; they are never quite sure whether they outnumber the missionaries or not; this is why the solution to the problem is only approximate.  
A lot of misunderstandings arise between cannibals and missionaries because of cultural incompatibility. When the missionary explained Inquisition, the cannibal asked "why do you cook the bad people if you dont want to eat them?" When the missionary explained cremation, the cannibal remarked "overcooked human flesh is not good to eat". When someone explained Egyptian mummies, the cannibal remarked "I prefer my meat fresh". Once, after the cannibal inspected the kitchen of the missionary, he told his friends "Europeans also eat human flesh. I saw those tins with pictures of peas outside; inside there were peas. I saw those tins with pictures of cows outside; inside there was beef. I saw those tins with pictures of babies..." When someone explained liposuction, the cannibal commented "very clever; you get fat from the person again and again without killing him/her."  
Cannibals want to preserve their traditional way of life. That is why they resist the Eurocentric thinking of the missionaries. The lack of progress in changing the cannibals makes the missionary feel rather frustrated: "Despite our long and hard effort, the tribes here continue to eat human flesh like they did two hundred years ago." The cannibal was offended: "Nonsense; we now use microwave oven to cook and eat with knife and fork..."  
You dont like my jokes? Fine, but please stop staring at me like this; you got a hungry kind of look on your face...

Cloning  
 
Scientists have just invented cloning. You take the cell of an animal and produce a new animal from it that is an exact copy, by recycling its genes. You can do this with frogs, sheep, cattle, etc., and soon the method will be used to allow infertile couples to have biological children by putting their genes into donated eggs.  
But actually this is not new. Many religions believe that when people and animals die, their souls get recycled into new people and animals, except that they call it reincarnation. Of course souls are not copied, just get new bodies, but I am sure scientists can fix that up soon.  
In fact, it is possible that soul duplication has already happened without us knowing it. For example, when the Dalai Lama dies, he is supposed to be reborn, but usually several babies come forward all claiming to be the next Dalai Lama, and the monks have to find ways to choose one. This is a difficult task, and if two of the babies have cloned souls, then the job becomes even more difficult. The soul of a bad person can be reincarnated into an animal, and vice versa. Princes, for example, get recycled as frogs. When the dinosaurs went extinct, their souls got reincarnated as different animals like birds and mammals, and some of them might have become humans later. Perhaps that is why there are the occasional people who remember seeing coughing Brontosauruses catching bronchitis, when a big meteor hit the earth and raised a huge duststorm.  
When Hong Kong killed one million chickens to prevent the spread of birdflu in 1997, and Thailand and Malaysia in 2004, a large number of souls were made available for recycling. Malaysia also had to kill a million  pigs to save people from Hendra virus in 1999. Because of the law of supply and demand, the price of new humans dropped. Applying economic principles to biology can produce unexpected results. Like, frog legs from recycled souls of princes command a premium price because of rarity. If they were recycled from Hong Kong chickens, that would not be the case.  
But the most significant scientific discovery is that both genetically and environmentally, good parents have important beneficial effects on their children. This is why when your soul is recycled, be sure to choose your parents very carefully. A mistake can give you an unhappy life...

Time Machine  
 
Scientists have invented the time machine, allowing them to go to the future or back to the past. While some people doubt this, archaeologists have discovered evidence like picking up fragments of Coca Cola bottles among ancient ruins. Since producing such material is beyond the level of technology of the ancient people, they must have used a time machine to travel to our world as tourists, and for sovenirs they bought Coca Cola bottles to take back. Similarly, we sometimes meet people who say they are 250 years old, or who we heard already died. Clearly, they are actually people from the past who used a time machine to travel to our times.  
Recently, Leslie Cheung was sighted in South America, together with Teresa Teng and Adolf Hitler. Some believe they had doubles who died and they themselves escaped, but actually, I believe they used a time machine to go to the future before dying, so though they are actually dead, they could still reach us afterwards. In fact they can come and go back many times before they died, so we might see them again next time.  
Having settled this scientifically, we clearly see great benefit in having a time machine; for example, you can go back to the past and be present at your own birth, even do a DNA test to prove that you are really you. If you dont like yourself very much, prevent your parents from getting married and stop your own birth. If many people did this, there will be no problem of overpopulation.  
If you dont know how to prevent a boy and a girl falling in love, you can just kill one of them, which is equally effective for stopping your own birth. Also, you can kill any of your ancesters before he/she has a child. But this would prevent not just yourself, but a whole tree of descendents from being born. You should have the courtesy to ask your cousins whether they would like to be born or not, and carry out a consensus decision.  
Also, if you go 10 years into the future and retrieve stock prices from databases for the previous 10 years, then come back; you can buy shares low and sell them high for 10 years, making yourself billions of dollars. You will be richer than George Soros, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates combined, maybe even richer than Saddam Hussein. Another method is to collect the numbers of winning lottery tickets, come back and try to find them; unfortunately, it is a bit difficult to know which shop was given ticket with particular number, so if you have a solution, let me know.  
I once went to the future, but unfortunately, I discovered that in ten  years I will be old, fat, bald and ugly, and no girl wants to have sex with me. What's the use of having billions of dollars but no sex? It depressed me so much that I forgot how to come back. So I am stuck in the future. I was worried that my employer, without me, would not be able to achieve worldclass excellence. So I got Iraqi scientists to make an exact double of me and it took my place. So if you see me walking around, it is actually not me; the real me you will only see 10 years from now.  
I really look forward to meeting my clone in 10 years; want to pitch my chinese brain against the iraqi copy... 

Red Riding Hood  
 
Once upon a time, there was a girl called Red Hood. She loved to ride, and could do it on almost any animal: horse, mule, donkey, ass, cow, bull, ox, buffallo... Once she even rode a wolf. That is why she was called Red Riding Hood.  
One day she met a handsome young man called Robin, who fell in love with Red and asked her to marry him. Red, however, was a feminist. She refused to get married because she would then have to change to the husband's name. But Robin was so deeply in love with Red that he agreed to change to her name. He became Robin Hood. Which was just as well, because Robin's surname happened to be Skeleton. Imagine being called Red Skeleton after marriage.  
After they were married for seven years, Robin began to get interested in another woman, whose name was Maid Marian. However, as soon as she discovered the relation, Red Riding Hood got rid of Maid Marian, in no time at all: It is advantageous to have a wolf in your stable, you know.  
Robin was also quite expert in getting rid of people, but shooting people with English longbows is not easy and requires much practice. Later at Agincourt, the English used longbows to knock heavily armoured French knights off their horses and then slaughtered them on the ground. It was quite a complicated job coordinating the bowmen and the infantry. So much simpler to get a friendly wolf and say "bite".  
At the time of Robin Hood, King Richard the Lionheart was away on the Crusades, and King John was governing the country. He governed so badly that the nobles rebelled, and forced him to sign the Magna Carta. Unfortunately, Robin and Red could not read very much; they certainly could not read Latin. That is why they never discovered what the Magna Carta said.  
In addition to going to the Holy Land and France to fight, the English were also trying to conquer Ireland at the time. I guess they wanted to suppress all those Irish jokes. Since the Irish were poor, they would have been quite happy if Robin went and robbed a few rich French or Saracen noblemen, and then gave the money to the Irish. However, there is no historical evidence that Robin actually did this. I think he was busy robbing rich Englishmen and giving the money to poor Englishmen, and did not get around to diversification and regionalization.  
A lot of family businesses have this kind of problem. Their personal decision- making traditions cause difficulties in running large modern operations and competing on the international market. In fact, the English set up Oxford University so that ambitious young people like Robin and Red can get MBA degrees and learn to run their businesses better.  
Robin and Red were so successful that they were given titles by the English court. That is why you hear of the Red Baron, the Red Army, etc. However, that is another story...  
 
The Legacy of Dracula  
 
Traditions are valuable. Wisdoms of the past generations come down in order to provide guidance to later lives.  
Vlad the Impaler, or Dracula as he is later known, was a Transylvanian nobleman. He loved to have blood in his diet, especially the blood of young maidens. Every night of his life, he went around the Central European countryside, looking for fresh supplies. Frequently, he would jump into other people's houses, in order to bite the necks of the girls whose blood he liked.  
Today a Dane called St Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus, carries on this tradition of country roaming and house entering. He too is very fond of the young. However, living in a scientific age, he is more concerned with hygiene. Instead of engaging in close bodily contact and unsupervised blood transfusion, he only hands out presents and greetings, but the blood-loving tradition of Dracula is preserved in the colour of Santa's suit.  
A native of Holland, known as the Flying Dutchman, inherits the romantic spirit of Dracula. He searches around the four seas for his lost love, operating under the notion that salvation will come to him only when he finds love. In addition to his possession of modern shipbuilding and navigation technologies, his replacement of the concrete entity of "blood" by the more abstract concept of "love", reflects an important advance in human thinking.  
However, it was the Chinese who developed Dracula's world view in the most practical directions. They discovered good ways of preparing blood for gourmet cusine. One first adds salt and vinegar to blood and gives it time to set, after which it may be sliced like soft bean curd and added to a variety of dishes. The famous Szechuan Sour and Chilli Soup, for example, contains blood as an essential ingredient.  
Perhaps China should export Sour and Chilli Soup to Romania. It could find a very profitable market there. Hu Jintao would be pleased about the success of economic liberalization.  
Such a pity Dracula did not live to see all this progress and advance. Being a frequent user of contaminated blood, he died of AIDS, right at the dawn of the century of enlightenment. R.I.P.  
 
Beethoven  
 
Beethoven was a great composer. A composer is a person who writes music. When someone asked him: "Why don't you listen to music instead? It is more enjoyable and relaxing." Beethoven replied: "I am deaf."  
To show you how great a musician Beethoven is, someone once compared him to Bach and Beatles. As all the young people of the world would agree, anyone in the same category as Beatles must be very good. It puts him just a small step below Michael Jackson, who, after all, is unique: Beethoven was never hospitalized for getting his hair burnt or charged with child molesting. However, he will have to run hard to catch up with Madonna, who knows a lot about important human activities like religion and sex. Beethoven was not very good at writing about those.  
I remember Barbara Cartland once advised aspiring young writers: "A popular novel must involve beauty, sex, royalty, religion, mystery, excitement..." Taking her advice, a fledgeling novelist wrote the following story:  
 
         "The lovely young princess exclaimed: 'Holy Moses! I am  
          pregnant. How the devil did it happen?'"  
 
Obviously, Madonna benefitted from Cartland's experience, but Beethoven did not.  
But Bach surely did. He once wrote something about St Mathew's Passion. Why he prefers to talk about someone else's passion, instead of his own, I dont really understand, but then, I have never worked as a church organist like he did. Nor did I ever live in places like Leipzig, which, I was told, was part of East Germany. I tried to look up East Germany in the maps, but the librarian said it has ceased to exist as a country. No wonder Bach's music is no longer popular. His whole country disappeared and he lost his audience. I am sure it affected his CD sales.  
But come back to Beethoven. What a pity Beethoven never tried to write music about his passion. By putting his personal experiences into music, he could have achieved something much greater than Eroica Symphony and Moonlight Sonata. Just imagine the kind of exciting stuff Madonna could produce with erotica, moonlight and all that. If only she was born earlier, she could even have written Silent Night, but being born too late to begin it, Silent Night is like Madonna's Unbegun Symphony.  
It was said that Beethoven hated being compared to Beatles, Michael Jackson or Madonna. It made him turn in his grave. In fact, people passing by his grave heard music coming out backwards. They were puzzled about what was going on and so opened the grave up to take a look. What did they find? He was in there, de-composing.  
I guess this is how all musicians, and all non-musicians, eventually end up. R.I.P.

Hamlet  
 
Hamlet was a prince of Denmark, and Denmark is a country famous for its meat products. Among the various meat products exported by Denmark is the Danish ham, which is preserved pork leg meat.  
A hamlet is a small ham, just as a piglet is a baby pig, and a cutlet is a small cut made by a small knife. Like century eggs that grow into the black chickens commonly used by the Chinese to cook a nutritious soup, hamlets, given careful nurturing and constant attention, would grow into big and tasty hams.  
For example, once upon a time there was a small fishing hamlet near Malaya called Singapore; it developed into a big and modern metropolis. This is an exciting case of a Hamlet growing up to become a Ham!  
To make a ham, chemicals like salt, potassium nitrate and monosodium glutamate are added to a leg of pork, in order to bring out the nice taste of the meat and prevent it from rotting. Consuming excessive amounts of ham could be harmful as these chemicals damage your body and mind, besides causing indigestion, obesity and clogged arteries.  
Legend has it that Prince Hamlet, after eating a meal of ham, century eggs and black chicken soup, hallucinated of seeing his dead father King Ham, who asked him to kill his uncle King Ham II. Hamlet, as well as his girlfriend, ended up dead also. I think one died of anorexia, and the other of bullimia. King Ham II was the only person in the story to die of a more natural kind of death for a medieval king: he was pierced in the heart by Hamlet's sword.  
The moral of this story is that we should all exercise moderation in eating. When faced with a sumptuous meal, we must think twice and ask ourselves "to feed or not to feed", especially if the meal includes ham.  
To eat or not to eat, that is the question, as Hamlet says so profoundly.

Hairy Potter and the Golden Chamberpot  
 
Once upon a time there was a boy with long hair who learned to do pottery; people called him Hairy Potter. He was most proficient in making and repairing chamberpots.  
As you know, chamberpots are used to hold urine, and urine contains salt and is corrosive. If you use base metals like copper or iron, the pots would soon rust and develop holes. This is why Hairy Potter invented the golden chamberpot: Gold does not rust, and his chamberpots lasted a lifetime. In fact, they can be passed from generation to generation, and were family heirlooms.  
Soon, it became fashionable to collect antique chamberpots, and to study how their designs evolved over the centuries since Hairy Potter first invented them. You immediately notice a difference in the shape after a bi-sexual version was developed - previously, chamberpots were only used by women, because the men were able to go out at night and pass urine in the street, and did not require internally deployed hamberpots like women needed. However, after the invention of beer, men often developed an urgent need to pass urine at night, too hurried (and too drunk) to go out to do it. The bisexual version of the chamberpot also reduced road deaths, since men concentrating on the effort of passing in the street were often knocked down by passing carriages and horse riders.  
Not long ago, scientists were able to invent new types of material that are equally corrosion resistent but lighter weight and less expensive than gold. This has made chamberpots, whether unisex or single sex, accessible to the masses. Even people who can afford golden chamberpots now prefer to buy ceramic or acrylic based products. Recently, there was a new institute named after Hairy Potter established in Singapore, to study consumer behaviour with chamberpots and related products. It shows the vital place chamberpots hold in modern society.  

Alexander the Great  
 
Alexander conquered the whole of the known world with just a small army from Greece. He was never defeated in battle. What accounted for his greatness? He wanted to prove himself to be better than his father Philip, because he loved his mother and looked upon his father as competition. This is called Oedipus Complex.  
But Alexander was bisexual, as it was fashionable to be at the time. So he also loved his father and hated his mother. This is called the Oedipus Second Complex, since Oedipus drove his mother, who was also his wife, to commit suicide, after killing his father and usurping the throne of Thebes. Alexander did not go so far; he only managed to run away from his mother by marching all the way to India, till his soldiers got tired of fighting elephants and refused to go further. Alexander soon died - the disappointment was too much for him - without even leaving behind a living heir to succeed him - he had no desire to pass on his problems to the next generation.  
Having studied these psychological issues, we now understand Alexander much better, that he was a sensitive new age man (new for his age, that is - he died 2500 years ago so cannot be new for your age), that once you wipe away all that blood from his face, you find it covered in tears. We must be greatful to all his neuroses, for his neurotic impulse to run away from his mother caused the spread of Greek civilization to Asia plus a quest for personal divinity. He demanded to be worshipped as the son of Zeus, neatly avoiding the issue of whether he hated his father Philip, and after he died his generals fought to get control of  his corpse, to make sure they could properly worship him. It eventually ended up in Egypt where Alexandria was named after him.  
Unfortunately, the time machine had not yet been invented at the time, and he was not able to to visit the future before he died. If he did that, he could have commanded armies in later battles like Waterloo, and history would have to be re-written. Perhaps someone would give me a time machine to go back to Alexander's time, taking the time machine with me so he could use it. I would be happy to bring back some of the gold he took from Persia to pay for your machine. Interested? Please let me know by SMS or email as soon as possible. 

Michael Jackson, the Great Chef  
 
Michael Jackson was the greatest chef America has ever produced. Not only was he responsible for inventing numerous exciting dishes, he was also the first to successfully exploit the media of laser discs and video tapes to propagate his recipes. His discs and tapes were best sellers all around the world, including such remote places as Armenia, Botswana and China.  
In one of his video clips, Michael explains the techniques of cake making.  
First you must get some eggs, and "Beat it; Beat it."  
Then you must put the cake into the oven, and "Heat it; Heat it."  
Then you must take the cake out, and "Eat it; Eat it."  
The messages are direct and easily understood. They touched the hearts of his fans all around the world, not to mention stomaches.  
Michael puts all his energy and commitment into his work, and even risked his life regularly - the kitchen being such a dangerous place, where fire mixes with water, and water with oil; where lamb's meat is placed next to lion's meat, and in some Chinese kitchens there are even snakes! Once, Michael was taping a famous recipe sponsored by Pepsi Cola, and his hair caught fire. Coming out of the hospital, he was asked by reporters whether he would go through the same experience again, and he answered without hesitation: "Of course! In the words of the famous old Chef, Harry Truman, 'If you cannot stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.'"  
It is no wonder that Michael Jackson sets an example of professional dedication and personal mission to young people everywhere. Sooner or later, everyone learns to go into the kitchen and risk his life to cook a meal, inspired by the great example of Michael Jackson. The world owes him a debt.

Spice Girls  
 
Spice Girls is a band of five girls who wear scanty clothes and prance around while they sing. They are very popular, because people like to see scantily dressed girls prance around. Why? It has something to do with Eastern religion. Everyone gets reincarnated, and you either were a scantily dressed young girl in a previous incarnation, or are going to be in a future incarnation, or want to be one in the present incarnation. Modern psychology says the same thing. According to Freud, inside every middle aged, overweight man or woman there is a scantily dressed youth struggling to get out. One of the rare situations where science and religion agree.  
There is a sixth spice girl who prances around with a violin instead of singing. She produced CDs like Red Hot, Storm, Violin Player, China Girl,... though in the Storm CD picture she looks more like an Indonesian. She has an English surname Nicholson, but was born under a Thai name, but now she uses neither of these surnames, but simply calls herself Vanessa Mae.  
The other Spice Girls also have short names. All this is the fault of the education system, which forces teenagers to learn things with long names, like Shakespare, I mean Sheik Speer, oops, Shock Sphere... Shiok Smear... eh well like.. you know what I mean... This puts them off long names for life. In any case, the Spice Girls show that you can make a good living without learning long words. You even get to marry exciting, macho soccer players. Only those people who want to be professors need long words, but professors are not young, they dont wear scanty clothes, they dont prance around, and they dont marry soccer players. They are not good role models for teenagers, the way Spice Girls are.  
That is the problem with the modern world, the shortage of good role models. We used to have Diana, who campaigned against landmines by taking a walk in Bosnia and having some pictures taken, and quickly went yachting with Dodi Al Fayed for some more picture taking; now that is the kind of things people want to do. Running a government and leading countries out of recession - well it sounds terribly boring; that's why people dont usually want Tony Blair or Goh Chok Tong to be their role models. It is much nicer to think of Bonnie Hicks.  
I am sorry to say that Bonnie and Di are both dead. But the Spice Girls are alive. Long live the Spice Girls.  
 
The Emporium of Harrods  
 
Harrods is a famous department store in London. It is owned by a rich Egyptian who also owns Ritz Hotel. He would like to become a British citizen, but it was not allowed. He then tried to be the step-grandfather of Prince William, the future King of England. Unfortunately the plan also fell through because he employed drunken drivers. One of these was taking some important dinner guests home in Paris, but though their Mercedes was armoured, it came off second best in a collision with a white Fiat, and smashed into a pillar. How could that happen you ask. I dont know. There were a dozen photographers near by but they did not see anything; so how would someone back in Singapore know what happened?  
About those important guests. One was the Honorary Chairman of the Association of Wives Against Husbands Keeping Mistresses. The other was the Patron of the Society of Abandoned Girlfriends. What? The first one was a famous campaigner against landmines, and the second one financed movies a couple of times in his life? Ah well we learn something new every day, dont we.  
The Harrods Emporium was often in the news because it has many security guards who throw out undesirable customers. We often do that in NUS too but in a different way... A couple of years ago a woman wearing skimpy torn jeans, which she purchased from Harrods, was thrown out. When she asked why Harrods sells things it does not approve, the store spokesman replied "We may sell something but not for use in our store; like we sell beds but do not allow customers to lie on them here", which seems pretty reasonable. After all, Harrods sells toilet tanks and babies' potties too.  
More recently, an American woman was thrown out for wearing Harrods leggings, which accentuated her fatness. She sued the store for discrimination against fat people because her mother, who was wearing the same kind of leggings, was allowed in. But the best way to find out what was the reason would be for her to reduce her weight, then return to the store wearing the same leggings, and compare with her treatment if she has the same weight but without the leggings. Sounds too difficult? Now now you are talking about Harrods, not any old department store. Surely it is worth that kind of trouble.  
No I don't shop at Harrods myself. I go to NTUC. In fact I am going there right now. Want me to bring you back a pair of torn skimpy jeans?

Lines without Rhymes about Lions  
 
Once upon a time there lived a lion in the jungle not far from Singapore. He was famous for being a clever and brave lion.  
One day a circus owner went to the jungle to find the lion. Having found him, the circus owner said to the lion: "Lion, lion, come and work in my circus; you will be famous around the world."  
So the lion said: "OK, I will come with you. Just wait until I get my suitcase."  
The circus owner was greatly surprised: "What! You mean lions have suitcases?"  
The lion replied: "Of course. Even elephants have trunks."  
So they went to Singapore. They flew by Singapore Air Lions. However, the lion's suitcase was too heavy to take on the plane (unless they paid a surcharge), so it was instead shipped by Neptune Oriental Lions.  
After arriving at Singapore, the lion started work at the circus. Soon he became famous indeed. He could sing and he could dance, and everywhere, people were talking about the well rehearsed chorus lion.  
And he could tell jokes. All the jokes have good punch lions.  
And people wanted to talk to him and shake his paw. They would phone him up, and the operator would say: "I am sorry the lion is busy..."  
Because Singapore has such a famous lion, it is called the Lion City.

R Movies  
 
R categories movies are movies restricted to people over 21, because they show sex or violence. Children and teenagers are not allowed to see such movies because they may not be mature enough to resist bad influence.  
When R movies first came to Singapore, they were mostly Hong Kong Chinese movies, and people aged 18 to 20 were allowed in. Later, these movies could no longer qualify because they did not have recognizable story lines. It shows how low the standard of the Chinese language has dropped: no one could understand Chinese movie story lines. Today, most of the R movies are English. One very popular film, called something like the unbearable lightness of being whatever you are, ran for a whole year. Its story line was Czekoslovakian (or was it Yugoslavian? With so many new countries in East Europe, it is hard to remember). Obviously, lots of people in Singapore had knowledge of Czek. European Studies must be very popular these days.  
When the age limit for R movies was raised to 21, some 18-20 year old boys complained "How come we are old enough to fight for the country but are not allowed to see a dirty movie?" They seem to have two unrelated things mixed up here. Being confined to barracks somehow makes people more obsessed with sex. I guess that is why soliders on leave are so wild. Hope all that wild behaviour makes them fight better.  
A lot of people are concerned about the impact of R movies on morals. I recall a teacher telling the class: "You must not go to see R movies. They show things you are not supposed to see." However, students being what they are, they went to the R movies nevertheless, and they did see something they were not supposed to see. They saw their teacher.  
Soldiers, teachers, students, Chinese educated, English educated... They all went to see R movies. It proves that R movies appeal to something universal in human nature, which is humour: all the R movies have ridiculous story lines, and to enjoy them, a person must be able to see the funny side of life. I remember this comedian called Charlie Chaplin. His movies were banned in America for a number of years. These must have been the forerunner of R movies. It shows that R movies are historical and traditional, and have deep cultural roots.  
Sorry I have to end here. I must rush off and finish my research on cultural matters. Now which way is the Shaw Theatre?